


DIO Kills Jon Arbuckle

by Kondraki



Series: DIO's unrelated misadventures [1]
Category: Garfield - All Media Types, ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen, garfield and odie make a brief cameo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2016-11-26
Packaged: 2018-09-02 10:03:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8663143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kondraki/pseuds/Kondraki
Summary: basically jon arbuckle goes on holiday to egypt and dio kakyoins jon arbuckle. thats it. thats literally it. the only difference is that jon arbuckle does not have heirophant green. and kakyoin is not jon arbuckle.
for £8k a month i will stop





	

When night arrives, so does Dio's presence in Cairo. The nightlife in the egyptian city had an already disgusting atmosphere, but tonight something is off. The air feels dry, and if Speedwagon were still alive he'd gag to death on the stench of evil - and would take Dio's scent anyday over this sudden smell wall. Even Dio's nose shrivels as he strolls through the city, casually being screamed at in fear as he casually drains a few unlucky enough to walk too close.

 

As a 26 year old man named Kareem silently screams for his life under Dio's hand clasped around his neck in a desperate hope to see his darling wife of a year next week and his newborn child, Dio watches another car. He thinks silently about how many people have got white cars recently as Kareem feels a tear roll off his cheek in a final memory of the last time he saw his child's face.

 

Dio lovingly chucks the dry and bony carcass to the floor and continues down the glaring neon lights of the street. The usual sounds of screaming and crying hit the back of his head as he followed the disgusting odour that arrived in Cairo earlier today. A few hours ago he had been woken up at 6pm by what smelt like a hermit with diarrhea, and when Vanilla Ice had (nearly in tears) admitted to not smelling the powerful yet distant odour, Dio had taken it upon himself to discover the source. When the sun went down. He tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't, and that leads us back to the present where Dio is standing on a street corner and watching some useless mortals.

 

Another car speeds past- no, that's an ambulance- and Dio leans on a signpost that shows a white arrow pointing left in a blue background. He doesn't know what this means, as he has never passed a driving test before, and he wouldn't care if he did see it. He notices it bends under his weight and tries to adjust. But as he falls back a little more, he summons his stand to hold him up. He wants to look cool and casual. To non-stand users, he does indeed look casual. (If you ignore his god-like presence, that is.) To stand users he looks like he is trying too hard. But no one is exactly going to confront him about their opinion of this lamp post leaning/murdering combo, as his eyebrows are distorted into what could only be read as a thirst for murder of some bypassers. In actual fact, he is just trying to work out where the smell is coming from, and he gets a stronger whiff from a large, square-built hotel. Most would run from the usual intimidation, but Dio is too emotionally stunted to back off and walks right in.

 

* * *

  
  


Jon Arbuckle. That fucker. His name is disgraceful. And here he is, unpacking his clothes in a hotel room. Garfield is at home, contemplating escape, and Jon couldn't care less. He is a truly awful man. The entire city is stinking of his evil-doings, and he couldn't give a single fuck. Of course. Jon Arbuckle has only ever cared about himself, so no one is surprised. However, Arbuckle is startled when he hears a scream from below. This is a normal sound from people who see him, but he has not been downstairs for 12 minutes. While the innocent man behind the counter collapsed after he paid for the hotel room and went bouncing off up to it, they didn't scream. Jon Arbuckle still doesn't care, and goes back to unfolding his disgusting tourist-marked palm tree pattern shirt and placing it on the bed.

 

Questioning his sexual orientation, the man behind the hotel's shoddy bar is sweating loudly as he finds the hotel room of the 'man who smells like pure evil', as per demand of the large, muscular, greek god of a vampire. He doesn't really smell any evil, but is hardly about to tell this guy no (on multiple levels). He fumbles for the name of the man who came in earlier, the exact opposite of this deep, beautiful, shadowy-

 

A huge slam nearly hits his head as Dio's fist makes a huge crack in the bar, nearly splitting it. With sweaty hands, he holds and reads out the slip of paper that details Jon Arbuckle's room. The huge, rough, 2-metre-

Dio walks away. He's done with this man and his obvious arousal, and he spares him as thanks for the help. He considers taking the lift to the third floor, but figures walking up the stairs is more dramatic.

 

Up on the third floor, Jon Arbuckle is hanging his clothes on the rails inside the wardrobe. Even though he is only in Cairo for one week. Nobody uses those things. Except for Jon Arbuckle, because he isn't human. Dio is gagging on the scent of whatever Jon is himself as he bursts through the door, doing a large financial blow to the people having to fix the now snapped door lock. Karma tries to pay him back immediately with the lack of oxygen caused to most who breathe and smell evil near Jon Arbuckle, but backs off intimidated by Dio's sheer size. Dio thanks himself for not having to breathe anymore, as he is a vampire. In the time between now and when he initially burst in, Arbuckle has fallen backwards in shock and got up again, scared for his life. As he should be. The ugly man doesn't even have time to brush himself off and exclaim about the obvious omelette-colour-themed man in what was once the doorway before he is sent flying backwards through the wall by the omelette-colour-themed man who he didn't even see move. Banana man and his hotel room shrink before him as he flies back over the roofs of the city.

 

They stop shrinking and pain punches him as the metal water tower (ar)buckles under him. Water bursts out, and some goes through the hole in his stomach that he didn't even process until he saw the red hole in his intestines.

 

Dio is already following, expecting some resistance from this tiny man. While he looks pretty moderate and weak, (ignoring his disgusting face and aura) he reeks of the most powerful evil and Dio knows from experience that even gutter rats can be more than the first glance implies. But calling this thing a rat would be an insult to those cute little rodents.

 

Jon Arbuckle doesn't really question what just happened. His mind is fixated on the feeling of darkness swallowing him up. But as his shaking eyelids give in, he sees a flash of yellow. His mind flashes back to home, and a delusion of people who love him comforts him falsely. Unknown to him, Dio looms over his soggy, broken body enclosed by the thin metal of the water tank. Coldness eats him up with disgust on it's face and it gags on his disgusting taste.

 

Dio breathes again, and notices the smell of utter evil has died down. He doesn't want to touch the man with his own hand or his stand's, so he presses an ear against the metal nearby. He hears slight rumbles from cars and pedestrians far below, and there is no noise from the red, wall-plaster covered body crumpled in the slowing flow of tinted red water out what was once a cylinder. Dio is disappointed that this solid block of evil shit was so easy to defeat, and he checks for any signs of life one last time before flying home with whatever fuckin powers he and jotaro got magically at the end of part three i dont fuckeng know. The cold breeze ambling around the city sets Jon Arbuckle into early rigamortis as a small group of police investigate the influx of calls claiming a hero unable to fasten his pants killed a strange villain with diarrhea coloured hair and an awful disposition. Most calls ended in angry rants about how 'fucking awful and disgusting' the small brown haired man was, or rambling about how they 'cannot be the only one who wants to see what's under the leotard of the yellow man', so they kept a keen eye for something unusual. But nothing really happens. They only find the tail end of the mystery, a dead body that seems to be the only good dead body anyone on the force has ever seen, and something compels them to celebrate the bloody murder of this stranger.

 

* * *

  
  


Somewhere in a suburb house in America, the dark stifled silence of the house suddenly feels a lot more comfortable. A large housecat licks his golden hair in a lasagna tin as a dog begins to fall asleep upstairs.

**Author's Note:**

> after this story, dio has an existensial crisis about being evil and becoming similar to jon and earns the trust of the stardust crusaders by proving he killed the world's greatest evil. they all live happily ever after and part 4 includes 'grunkle DIO' who instantly destroys kira. truly the best ending


End file.
